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Dying young is one of the greatest dilemmas and heartbreaks in life. A person with their whole life before them comes to a sudden end. There are no easy answers, because this is never easy to face.
This week I was involved in the funeral of an 18-year-old who died in a car accident. He was on his way to work but didn’t make it. It is the nightmare of every parent.
Yet, it doesn’t need to be sudden or unexpected. A child with a long-term illness where death is expected is no less tragic and devastating.
You don’t get over it
Perhaps one of the worst aspects is that time doesn’t heal all wounds – especially this. There is no recovery, but rather – coping. Often this is one day at a time. Life may continue, then, many years later when, something happens that awakens a memory and the loss is as real now as it was then. You learn to cope.
How to cope
People do cope, and life always goes on regardless. Staying in that raw place when the person died has little to no benefit. It won’t bring them back. It won’t help the pain. It will rob you of the present and the future.
Learning to cope IS NOT about forgetting the person. There is no dishonour in allowing the grief to run its course so that you don’t become another victim of the tragedy. Learning to cope in many ways will honour the person far more than dwelling in the past or the “what ifs” or the “why us?”.
There are no reasons
Trying to work out why this happened is another futile exercise. We know there are some people who should have left this world much sooner than they did. There are those who thumb their nose at life or the community and cause harm. And yet they live a long life.
So often the young person who has died has been one with so much potential to live out. The world truly was their oyster, and yet it wasn’t to be. And so often it is called a waste of a life. But it wasn’t a waste because even in the few years here, the person made an impact, made a difference; their life meant something.
So there will never be an answer to why this happens. Sometimes it is the difference of a few seconds or centimetres between life and death. And reliving this doesn’t change what has happened. But of course, we can’t help but do this – because it is a natural thing to do. But it is not something to agonize over too long. Nothing will change the past.
Life now?
Again, looking to life with this dark devastating cloud is so hard for many people. For some, it is simply a matter of taking one day at a time or one hour at a time. Taking small steps is good.
One’s life will be different from what they imagined, hoped. So many things you were looking forward to are now gone. But life has not ended. In time, there is still life to live. And perhaps… maybe… living a full life will honour the person much more than running from or living in the pain.
Conclusion
Death is a reality for all people. It is the one thing that no one avoids. When someone close dies, it feels like the end of life itself. Confusion, Grief, Anger, Heartbreak, Loss…. Made worse when they are young.
The worth of a life is not in its length. There is no way to understand the fickleness of life. In reality, we all only have today to live, because no one knows the future.
So perhaps making the most of today is the most important message. For who knows what tomorrow will bring. And this doesn’t mean we fear tomorrow. Rather, we live today.
